Practicing self-compassion and grace can be one of the most challenging things to do. When we make mistakes and challenges arise in life, it is easy to fall into patterns of self-criticism. You may engage in negative self-talk, blame yourself, and turn all responsibility inwards. For example, if you didn’t get the job you wanted many negative thoughts might spring to mind, such as ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I should have interviewed better’, ‘I will never get a job’. This reaction may be based off your assumptions/interpretations rather than the facts of the situation and is not a reaction you would show to your loved ones. We often hold ourselves to standards that we would never hold anyone else in our lives to, offering scolding and judgement to ourselves rather than the support and encouragement that we would show others.
Self-compassion is a way to combat this and is important coping skill that most people need to work on and develop. It is the simple act of displaying the same understanding to ourselves as we would show someone else in the same position. We can practice self compassion by acknowledging how we are feeling and reacting to ourselves in the same way we would react to others. To go back to the previous example of not getting a job that you wanted and the emotions arising around this. When faced with a challenging emotional situation, take time to check the facts and think about what you are feeling deeper. You could think about the following:
- Why is this impacting me so much and what are my triggers here?
- What specific emotions am I feeling right now?
- What kind of assumptions or interpretations I am making about this situation?
- Does my emotion and its’ intensity match the actual facts of the situation?
By doing this you can better identify what you are feeling and why and from this you can practice an opposite action. So when you are feeling an intense emotion, you may feel the urge to practice behaviours along with this. For example, when you are angry you might want to shout or when you are sad you might want to isolate yourself. Taking an opposite action is doing exactly the opposite of what your emotion is asking you to do to push you towards a more positive emotion. So if you are feeling angry, instead of shouting at people you could take a step back, take some time to deep breathe and then go back and talk calmly about what made you angry. This will be personal to you and you will need to try the steps for yourself to find the opposite action that can help you regulate strong emotions.
We can use opposite action to practice self-compassion by taking our negative self-talk and self-criticism and challenging this, speaking to and comforting yourself as you would someone else. Instead of thinking ‘I’m not good enough’, you could think ‘I can keep improving myself but right now this wasn’t the right job for me and my skills’. Instead of thinking ‘I should have interviewed better’, you could think ‘I am proud of myself for going to the interview, maybe my answers just weren’t what they were looking for right now but that doesn’t mean they were bad’. Instead of thinking ‘I will never get a job’, you could think ‘I may not have gotten this job but there are more jobs out there and I will get another job that is a better fit for me and my abilities’.
Many people’s emotional inclination may be towards self-criticism but through conscious practice your opposite action can be self-compassion. At Psyche Therapy Centre we can be there to support this practice with our team of highly trained integrative practitioners. Book your consultation today to learn more about us and get on your path to wellness:
https://psychetherapycentre.co.uk/book-an-appointment/